Ma traduction d'une nouvelle

[lasute]

Bonjour, j'aurais souhaité obtenir un peu d'aide car la prof d'anglais nous a confié la rédaction d'une nouvelle, et je ne sais pas si m'a traduction de celle-ci est bonne ou pas, en effet, j'aurais souhaité savoir où il pourrait y avoir des fautes pour pouvoir les corriger et ainsi ne plus les refaire.


Voici une partie de la nouvelle (celle où je suis le moins sur):

A tire squeal on the gravel made me raise my head of the newspaper that I glanced through, thoughtfully. He had finally arrived. I went to open the door. He had just come off his bike, and when he lifted his head toward me, I displayed once more a friendly expression on my face. I helped him to take his bags.
‘Put your bike inside, bad weather is announced’, I said.
Entering, he squinted a moment on the tons of cardboard moving, which my father and I hadn’t had time to unpack. I closed the door and put the light on, when the clock rang 19 hours. Caleb jumped and I couldn’t help smiling, noting how he was easily fearful.
Student aged 17, like me, Caleb was a medium-sized boy: so I was taller than him. He had brown hair, and except his green eyes, he was rather ordinary.
‘Isn’t your father there?’ he asked looking around for him.
‘No, he is on duty at the hospital for overnight.’
So, we broach triteness, beginning an ordinary evening between friends. Caleb made a remark about time, and we continued speaking about the fire which ravaged Stryder’s home yesterday, or again, about the disturbing disappearance of this girl since Tuesday.
We knew each other only since the return to school, and in three months I managed to gain his confidence.
Around 20 o’clock, I apologized:
‘I must phone my father. It's time for his break, and I have to confirm that you are well arrived.’
Once alone, I dialed the phone.
‘Yes, yes it’s me, I replied to the voice. Is he here?’
The person on the line seemed surprised.
‘No, I continued. I phone precisely because he hasn’t arrived yet.’
Thirty seconds later I put down the phone, satisfied.
After playing some video games, we ate quickly. Then I challenged him at chess, and he accepted. But although he was a tough opponent, I won the game. We then decided to watch episodes of TV series. But we didn’t agree with the choice of the serie. I insisted to watch Dexter:
‘He's a serial killer who is cop in Miami. In this season his team investigates its own crimes.’
‘Yes, but Supernatural is much more fun: they are two brothers who hunt demons and...’
When we were both out of arguments, I made another proposal:
‘And if we would rather visit the abandoned boarding school?’
‘Have you seen the weather?’ he said with a backward movement, hearing the wind which was cracked around the house.
‘It’s not true, Caleb! Don’t tell me you're afraid!’ I provoked him.
Slightly hurt, he replied.
‘Of course not! But why the hell would you go there?’
‘I heard people talking about this place at school. I want to see it myself. And from what I know, you've never been there.’
He mumbled something, looking grumpy.
‘So it's okay, I replied giving him a pat on the back. Let's go now. Take your coat.’
He sighed, but followed me still in the car.
It only took three minutes to reach the dilapidated building. It had started raining. We left the car and I felt that Caleb was worried. I was not sure if he was afraid because of everything we heard about this place, like ghost stories, or if it was simply abandoned place that bothered him.
‘We pass over the fence’, I whispered to him, assuring me that the street was deserted.
He passed the obstacle with as much agility as me. We landed in tall grass, which gave me the impression of having suddenly left the town.
I threw a glance at the imposing building above us. The street lamps reflected on windows of the floor, such as boarding, like a huge spider seemed to watch us with dozens of eyes. The broken windows of the ground floor gave the impression of screaming to death.
I thought to see Caleb tremble.
‘Come on’, I issued in drawing my torch to fight against darkness.
‘Reminds me why you wanted to come here?’ Caleb asked me once inside.
My eyes were gradually accustomed to the half-obscurity. It smelled musty. Humidity had peeled off wall-papers and had swollen wood, making the floor hunchback. Every other second creaking resounded, accompanying the wind’s thriller complaint.
‘Coward! I teased him. Come on, it's funny, isn’t it?’
On the ground were deteriorating all kinds of debris: pieces of planks, broken glass... There were downright sweet wrappers and crisp packets, which betrayed the recent arrival of other visitors. I showed it to Caleb.
‘Others came before us’, I said reassuringly.
Grating doors hung on their hinges. We explored several rooms, finding always the same empty and plaintive places.
‘We go upstairs?’ Caleb finally asked, pointing to the stairs with his chin.
I nodded and fell into step with him to dormitories, having a quick look at my watch.
‘Look at this’, I whispered arrived on the first.
In front of us extended, on about thirty yards, a wide corridor. On either side there were many doors, leading to former bedrooms. They were almost all open, which illuminated the corridor of the yellow light of standard lamps.
My heart beat a little louder now. I thought again about all the stories that were told about this eerie place. From the first time I found it funny.
We moved forward into the main road. Caleb seemed more nervous, but he was busy to throw curious glances around him, and to open some doors.
I went past a closed door, pointing the lamp at the ceiling. I watched, surprised, the dusty cobwebs. Behind me, I heard Caleb trying to open the door.
‘Hey’, he whispered to my attention.
I turned round towards him. He pointed his finger at the door.
‘It’s closed’, he said because of my lack of reaction.
I shrugged my shoulders.
‘And then?’
He sighed, exasperated.
‘It’s locked’, he insisted. ‘The others weren’t.’
He looked through the keyhole.
‘I'm sure there's something there!’ he said, this time with more curiosity than fear.
‘Move over’, I said, looking at my turn by the slot in the lock. ‘Let's see’, I said finally, taking of a small metal piece in my pocket.
I picked the lock easily.
‘Awesome’, he exclaimed.
‘I train myself for a long time’, I assured him with a discreet smile.
Then I pressed the handle. It opened without the slightest creak. I pointed the flashlight inside, and considered the small room.
‘Oh!’ Caleb exclaimed.
He was right.
In the middle of the room, a narrow table was covered with a transparent plastic, and overhung by a lamp. Nearby there were some plastic boxes which strangely looked like coolers.
‘What's that?’ I asked in a really intrigued tone.
‘Look at this’, he says, showing me a big brown bottle. ‘Chloroform. It’s dodgy, isn’t it?’
‘I also think’, I acquiesced frowning.
His look was quickly attracted by the huge wooden box near the wall. He lifted the lid.
‘Give me the lamp, please’, he said, holding out his hand to me.
I did so, my heart beating too much.
‘I think there are plastic things... ‘, he said before to point the light in the box. ‘Oh my God!’ he exclaimed moving back.
I rushed towards him alarmed, snatched the lamp from his hands, and looked in the box.
Its contents could easily make me feel like throwing up. Through a transparent plastic bag, I could make out the corpse of a young woman. And to add a touch of horror to this vision, her eyes were torn out.



Est ce que quelqu'un aurait-il le temps de m'aider?
Merci d'avance.

[Lostounet]

A tire squeal on the gravel made me raise my head of the newspaper that I glanced through, thoughtfully. He had finally arrived. I went to open the door. He had just come off his bike, and when he lifted his head towards me, I displayed once more a friendly expression on my face. I helped him to take his bags.
‘Put your bike inside, bad weather is announced’, I said.
Entering, he squinted a moment on the tons of cardboard moving, which my father and I hadn’t had time to unpack. I closed the door and put the lights on, when the clock rang 19 hours. Caleb jumped (...?) and I couldn’t help smiling, noting how he was easily fearful.

Student aged 17, like me, Caleb was a medium-sized boy: so I was taller than him. He had brown hair, and except his green eyes, he was rather ordinary.
‘Isn’t your father there?’ he asked looking around for him.
‘No, he is on duty at the hospital for overnight.’

So, we (broach triteness), beginning an (just an) ordinary evening between friends. Caleb made a remark about time, and we continued speaking about the fire which (pluperfect - past perfect should be used) ravaged Stryder’s home yesterday, or again, about the disturbing disappearance of this girl since Tuesday.

Salut. Voilà ce que j'ai pu faire
Le vert marque des tournures qui sonnent pas-très-correctes.
Le rouge, des erreurs linguistiques.
Les autres couleurs: Ajouts, rectifications, temps..

[abcd22]

C'est « raise my head from the newspaper I was glancing through », « come off his bike » c'est tomber de vélo, turn on au lieu de put on, afraid au lieu de fearful, a student au lieu de student, except for au lieu de except, for the night (ou tonight mais c'est ce soir et pas cette nuit) au lieu de for overnight, weather au lieu de time; mais « the light », « rang 19 hours », « jumped », « medium-sized » et « on duty » sont corrects.

[Lostounet]

« rang 19 hours » « on duty » sont corrects.

Non. "Rang 19 hours" = "Sonna 19 heures"? C'est du mot à mot ça

"On duty for overnight" --> ça ne marche pas.

"Medium-Sized" --> On parle d'une personne, et non d'un objet. Ça s'emploie surtout pour des objets, non ?

[Finrod]

Caleb made a remark about time

time ? tu es sûr que c'est pas weather que tu voulais dire ?

[Lostounet]

Si lol. Il voulait peut-être traduire "le temps qu'il faisait" ?

[lasute]

oui c'était le temps que je voulais traduire. Donc pour cette phrase c'est "Caleb made a remark about weather..."?

[Finrod]

"about the weather" je dirais plutôt

[lasute]

Par contre pour la phrase"I must phone my father" est ce que c'est pas plutôt "I must phone to my father"?? pour la phrase "It's time for his break" est ce que c'est pas plutôt "It's the time of his break"? la phrase "I have to confirm that you are well arrived" est bonne ou pas?? pour la phrase "But we didn’t agree with the choice of the serie" est ce que c'est pas "But we weren't agree with the choice of the serie"?

[Finrod]

to phone to smb

it's time for a break - en langage parlé , "il est temps de faire une pause"

donc il y a surement mieux mais ce n'est pas totalement incorrect.

on ne dit pas "you are well arrived" mais "you have well arrived"

Il vaut mieux didn't dans la dernière phrase.

Peut être serait-il bon que tu note que "to be" n'est jamais un auxiliaire au passé en anglais.

Pour la dernière phrase on aurait pu aussi employer le verbe to agree au present perfect donc avec l'auxiliaire to have, mais ça me parait superflu;

[abcd22]

Non. "Rang 19 hours" = "Sonna 19 heures"? C'est du mot à mot ça

Eh bien ça se dit comme ça aussi en anglais.

"On duty for overnight" --> ça ne marche pas.

on duty = de service, de garde
for overnight ne va pas mais on duty est parfaitement correct.

"Medium-Sized" --> On parle d'une personne, et non d'un objet. Ça s'emploie surtout pour des objets, non ?

« "medium-sized person" » sur google renvoie des résultats donc ça doit se dire.

[Lostounet]

Eh bien ça se dit comme ça aussi en anglais.

Ah bon? :marteau: :ptdr:
Je pense pas. Ça sonne très faux en tout cas.

on duty = de service, de garde

Ok, je suis d'accord, mais ça m'a un peu dérangé: "on duty at the hospital" La phrase manque d'informations; Lasute, pourrais-tu nous dire la phrase en français ?

« "medium-sized person" » sur google renvoie des résultats donc ça doit se dire.

J'effectue la même recherche et je trouve comme 'propositions' de recherche:

* Medium-sized dogs
* Medium-sized dog breeds
* Medium-sized business
* Medium-sized enterprises ...

Mais pas "medium-sized doctor"
ou "medium-sized teacher/human" (Très bizarre comme tournure)...!

[lasute]

La phrase en français c'est: Non, il est de service à l'hôpital pour toute la nuit.

[lasute]

C'est « raise my head from the newspaper I was glancing through », « come off his bike » c'est tomber de vélo, turn on au lieu de put on, afraid au lieu de fearful, a student au lieu de student, except for au lieu de except, for the night (ou tonight mais c'est ce soir et pas cette nuit) au lieu de for overnight, weather au lieu de time; mais « the light », « rang 19 hours », « jumped », « medium-sized » et « on duty » sont corrects.

est ce que je peux, à la place de "come off his bike", mettre "come down of his bike"?

[lasute]

par contre si je met turn the light on au lieu de put the light on ça voudra dire tourner la lumière, non?

[lasute]

sinon au lieu de Caleb was a medium-sized boy je pourrais mettre caleb was a boy of average height, non?

[Lostounet]

Turned the lights on.
Oui, ça irait. Mais moi j'aurais dit par exemple "Caleb wasn't very tall" --> Donc c'est sous-entendu qu'il n'est ni petit de taille ni trop grand, donc moyen :)

[Mathusalem]

Etait de service de nuit :

He was on a night shift

[ucigac]

Par contre pour la phrase"I must phone my father" est ce que c'est pas plutôt "I must phone to my father"?? pour la phrase "It's time for his break" est ce que c'est pas plutôt "It's the time of his break"? la phrase "I have to confirm that you are well arrived" est bonne ou pas?? pour la phrase "But we didn’t agree with the choice of the serie" est ce que c'est pas "But we weren't agree with the choice of the serie"?

Le "I must phone my father" est correct.
En ce qui concerne l'utilisation du "agree"
On dit "I agree" et pas "I am agree"
Donc moi je mettrais "But we didn't agree"

Sinon, moi je mettrais "I switched on the light"

[lasute]

Et sinon est ce qu'il existe d'autres fautes ou pas dans ma nouvelle? Parce que par exemple pour les phrases: When we were both out of arguments, I made another proposal:
‘And if we would rather visit the abandoned boarding school?’

je me demande si celles-ci sont bonne ou pas en particulier both out et sinon si l'utilisation de would rather est bonne sachant quand français ces phrases doivent en quelque sorte dire: Quand nous fûmes tous deux à court d'arguments, je fis une autre proposition:
- Et si on allait plutôt visiter l'internat désaffecté ?