Correction d'un texte [Terminale]

[Styme]

Bonsoir.

Pouvez-vous me corriger mon texte s'il vous plait ?

My name is XXX, I am seventeen years old, and I am a student of Terminal ES in the High School XXX in France.
I am writing to you, because I disagree with your advertisement against Ebonics.
As I have studied it, I can say that Ebonics is a very important language and this language must not disappear.
I approve when you say that this language creates confusion with the English language but it is a way to adopt English for the black community.
You are right to say that Ebonics encourages communautarism but it will become a recognized language.
Each will want his tongue one language is one voice but you are in the United States, the country of liberty, your population is made of immigrants, all of you are immigrants, so it will become a tool to get the freedom of speech.
Then you say that it reinforces segregation and differences, not necessarily, at least, the African-American people could express their culture and languages are very important to make people to respect it.
Most of countries where there are immigrants, we can see this kind of slang which is born If we take the example of France, in french suburbs where arabic folks are gather, they mix french words and arabic words in the same sentence
Of course there are lots of arguments against Ebonics, but there are as many for its use. The Span-glish in your country and the Morris in New Zeland ,why not Ebonics ?

Merci d'avance.

[Lostounet]

Salut, je vais essayer..
Mais ma correction est un peu trop perfectionniste.

My name is XXX, I am seventeen years old, and I am a student of Terminal ES (I'm a senior student , 12th Grade student? Mais bon..) in XXX High School (juste permuté..)in France.

I am writing to you because I disagree with your advertisement against Ebonics.
As I have studied it, I can say that it's (pour éviter les répétitions) a very important language and that it must not disappear.

I approve when you say (Tournure incorrecte.. Utilise plutôt "to agree" ) that this language creates confusion (Tournure incorrecte: essaye autre chose genre "corrupts the English language" même si c'est un peu hyperbolique)with the English language but it is a way to adopt (adopt ne convient pas trop à mon avis, essaye plutôt to merge the English language with the Black community/culture ?.. To make the English language a part of the Black communityEnglish for the black community.

You are right to say (c'est ok mais c'est un peu faible comme tournure) that Ebonics encourages communautarism but it will become (Comment le sais-tu? L'emploi du modal "will" suggère une certitude face à un fait ou à un évènement.. Il est préférable de mettre un petit argument ou de changer de modal ) a recognized language.

Each will want his tongue one language is one voice (Le terme "tongue" ne s'emploie pas comme ça: en anglais, il concerne uniquement les muscles que t'as dans la bouche, il n'y a pas la même polysémie qu'en français but you are in the United States, the country of liberty, your population is made of immigrants, all of you are immigrants, so it will become a tool (même remarque pour will, mais ici "tool" est un peu trop vague, essaye plutôt "modal + to denote " freedom of speech.

Then you might (il manque un modal si tu veux utiliser le présent pour "say") say that it reinforces segregation and differences(Ajout: ..Well,) not necessarily , at least the African-American people could express their culture (to "share their culture" me semble plus adapté and (remplace ce "and" par deux points afin de montrer le lien logique derrière tout ça languages are very important to make people to respect it. (Ok, ça c'est faux.. Remplaces par "to earn other people's respect" par exemple même si c'est encore faible.

IN most of (enlève) countries where there are immigrants, we can see this kind of slang (à supprimer:) which is born If we take the example of France, in french suburbs where arabic folks (ne convient pas dans ce type de discours...essaye "citizens") are gathered, they mix (j'aurais mis: they often use french and arabic words within the same sentence)french words and arabic words in the same sentence
Of course there are lots of arguments against Ebonics, but there are as many for its use ("there are as many that support it").

The Span-glish in your country and the Morris in New Zealand ,why not Ebonics ? (Il manque un verbe.. Change de tournure "If Spanglish's allowed in your country, and provided the Morris is widely common in New Zealand then why not Ebonics?")

Même si les arguments ne sont pas toujours très pertinents (:ptdr: ) c'est bien dans l'ensemble..
Essaye de tenir compte de mes petites suggestions

Bonne chance

[Styme]

Merci beaucoup de votre correction :

Voila ce que j'en ai tiré, est-ce bon s'il vous plait ?

My name is XXX, I am seventeen years old, and I’m a student of Terminal ES in XXX High School in France.

I am writing to you because I disagree with your advertisement against Ebonics.
As I have studied it, I can say that it's a very important language and that it must not disappear.

I agree when you say that this language creates confusion and corrupts the English language with the English language but it is a way to adopt the English language with the Black community..

You are right to say that Ebonics encourages communautarism but it would become a recognized language.

Each will want his tongue one language is one voice but you are in the United States, the country of liberty, your population is made of immigrants, all of you are immigrants, so it would become denote freedom of speech.

Then you might say that it reinforces segregation and differences, well not necessarily , at least the African-American people could share their culture: languages are very important to earn other people's respect

IN most of countries where there are immigrants which is born If we take the example of France, in french suburbs where arabic citizens are gathered, they often use french and arabic words within the same sentence
Of course there are lots of arguments against Ebonics, but there are as many that support it.

If Spanglish's allowed in your country, and provided the Morris is widely common in New Zealand then why not Ebonics?


-Je garde Terminale ES pour montrer que je suis en France
-Certains arguments ont été donné par notre professeur, donc je garde les mots utilisés non ?
- Tongue n’est pas un synonyme de langue ?


Merci d'avance.

P.S : Pourquoi les arguments ne sont pas pertinents ?

[Lostounet]

Merci beaucoup de votre correction :

Voila ce que j'en ai tiré, est-ce bon s'il vous plait ?

My name is XXX, I am seventeen years old, and I’m a student of Terminal ES in XXX High School in France.

I am writing to you because I disagree with your advertisement against Ebonics.
As I have studied it, I can say that it's a very important language and that it must not disappear.

I agree when you say that this language creates confusion (enlève ça) and corrupts the English language (with the English language) supprime but it is a way to adopt (way to merge)the English language with the Black community..

You are right to say that Ebonics encourages communautarism but it would become a recognized language.

Each will want his tongue (voir fin) one language is one voice but you are in the United States, the country of liberty, your population is made of immigrants, all of you are immigrants, so it would become denote freedom of speech.

Then you might say that it reinforces segregation and differences, well not necessarily , at least the African-American people could share their culture: languages are very important to earn other people's respect

IN most of countries where there are immigrants which is born (ça sonne faux ça, tu devrais supprimer, c'est un peu inutile..) If we take the example of France, in french suburbs where arabic citizens are gathered, they often use french and arabic words within the same sentence
Of course there are lots of arguments against Ebonics, but there are as many that support it.

If Spanglish's allowed in your country, and provided the Morris is widely common in New Zealand then why not Ebonics?


-Je garde Terminale ES pour montrer que je suis en France
D'accord, mais il va falloir mettre "Terminale ES" entre guillemets.

-Certains arguments ont été donné par notre professeur, donc je garde les mots utilisés non ?
Comme tu veux..


- Tongue n’est pas un synonyme de langue ?
Pas en anglais. En français, langue (communication) et langue (bouche) sont homonymes. Mais en anglais, ce n'est pas le cas. Tu peux parler de mother tongue à la rigueur pour évoquer la langue maternelle mais c'est particulier...

Merci d'avance.

P.S : Pourquoi les arguments ne sont pas pertinents ?

Salut,
Voilà, c'est bien mieux qu'avant. Tu as juste oublié quelques passages, je les ai re-marqué.

Je ne peux pas vraiment juger les arguments vu que je ne sais pas ce que vous avez appris, mais je dirais que ça 'va' dans l'ensemble.

[Styme]

Merci beaucoup.

Voila ce que ça donne :

My name is XXX, I am seventeen years old, and I’m a student of “Terminale ES” in XXX High School in France.

I am writing to you because I disagree with your advertisement against Ebonics.
As I have studied it, I can say that it's a very important language and that it must not disappear.

I agree when you say that this language corrupts with the English language but it is a way to merge the English language with the Black community..

You are right to say that Ebonics encourages communautarism but it would become a recognized language.

Each will want his language, one language is one voice but you are in the United States, the country of liberty, your population is made of immigrants, all of you are immigrants, so it would become denote freedom of speech.

Then you might say that it reinforces segregation and differences, well not necessarily , at least the African-American people could share their culture: languages are very important to earn other people's respect

IN most of countries where there are immigrants, If we take the example of France, in french suburbs where arabic citizens are gathered, they often use french and arabic words within the same sentence
Of course there are lots of arguments against Ebonics, but there are as many that support it.

If Spanglish's allowed in your country, and provided the Morris is widely common in New Zealand then why not Ebonics?

P.S : Le soucis, c'est que mon texte tombe à 241 mots alors qu'il en faut 250 minimum...

Merci d'avance.

[Lostounet]

Merci beaucoup.

Voila ce que ça donne :

My name is XXX, I am seventeen years old, and I’m a student of “Terminale ES” in XXX High School in France.

I am writing to you because I disagree with your advertisement against Ebonics.
As I have studied it, I can say that it's a very important language and that it must not disappear.

I agree when you say that this language corrupts with the English language but it is a way to merge the English language with the Black community..

You are right to say that Ebonics encourages communautarism but it would (ne convient pas à moins que tu introduises une condition introduite par "if" par exemple it would become a recognized language if it's given the chancebecome a recognized language.

Each will want his language, one language is one voice (Ne fais pas du mot à mot, c'est incorrect, pourrais-tu changer l'expression?) but you are in the United States, the country of liberty, your population is made of immigrants, all of you are immigrants, so it would become (supprime) denote freedom of speech.

Then you might say that it reinforces segregation and differences, well not necessarily , at least the African-American people could share their culture: languages are very important to earn other people's respect.

In most of countries where there are immigrants (tu passes du général au particulier trop vite, tu dois un peu plus parler des "countries where there are immigrants" en général: In countries where there are immigrants, people tend to combine several cultures in their lifestyle)If we take the example of France, in french suburbs where arabic citizens are gathered, they often use french and arabic words within the same sentence
Of course there are lots of arguments against Ebonics, but there are as many that support it.

If Spanglish's allowed in your country, and provided the Morris is widely common in New Zealand then why not Ebonics?

P.S : Le soucis, c'est que mon texte tombe à 241 mots alors qu'il en faut 250 minimum...

Merci d'avance.

Salut,
Voilà, tu y es presque
Le compte est bon? (J'ai ajouté une demi-phrase)

Courage.

[Styme]

My name is XXX, I am seventeen years old, and I’m a student of “Terminale ES” in XXX High School in France.

I am writing to you because I disagree with your advertisement against Ebonics.
As I have studied it, I can say that it's a very important language and that it must not disappear.

I agree when you say that this language corrupts with the English language but it is a way to merge the English language with the Black community..

You are right to say that Ebonics encourages communautarism but it would become a recognized language if it's given the chance.

Each will want his language, one language is one voice (Je n’arrive pas :s) but you are in the United States, the country of liberty, your population is made of immigrants, all of you are immigrants, so it would) denote freedom of speech.

Then you might say that it reinforces segregation and differences, well not necessarily , at least the African-American people could share their culture: languages are very important to earn other people's respect.

In countries where there are immigrants, people tend to combine several cultures in their lifestyle)If we take the example of France, in french suburbs where arabic citizens are gathered, they often use french and arabic words within the same sentence
Of course there are lots of arguments against Ebonics, but there are as many that support it.

If Spanglish's allowed in your country, and provided the Morris is widely common in New Zealand then why not Ebonics?

Merci d'avance.

252 mots environ

[Lostounet]

My name is XXX, I am seventeen years old, and I’m a student of “Terminale ES” in XXX High School in France.

I am writing to you because I disagree with your advertisement against Ebonics.
As I have studied it, I can say that it's a very important language and that it must not disappear.

I agree when you say that this language corrupts with (corrupts the.. et non corrupts with..) the English language but it is a way to merge the English language with the Black community..

You are right to say that Ebonics encourages communautarism but it would become a recognized language if it's given the chance.

Each will want his language, one language is one voice (Ok c'est à supprimer alors Je te donne un truc à mettre à la place: I'd also like to mention that a language is the only "voice" a group or entity may have to communicate but since you're in the US, it is very important to allow all the languages among the immigrants, denoting consequently freedom of speech. The US is the country of liberty, so I cannot understand why you would be against one of the most widely spoken languages in it but you are in the United States, the country of liberty, your population is made of immigrants, all of you are immigrants, so it would denote freedom of speech.

Then you might say that it reinforces segregation and differences, well not necessarily , at least the African-American people could share their culture: languages are very important to earn other people's respect.

In countries where there are immigrants, people tend to combine several cultures in their lifestyle. If we take the example of (For instance, in French suburbs... (ça fait plus chic) France, in french suburbs where arabic citizens are gathered, they often use french and arabic words within the same sentence
Of course there are lots of arguments against Ebonics, but there are as many that support it.

If Spanglish's allowed in your country, and provided the Morris is widely common in New Zealand then why not Ebonics?

Merci d'avance.

252 mots environ

J'ai fait de mon mieux pour remplacer.

[Styme]

Merci beaucoup.

Après avoir corriger, ça fait environ 316 mots alors que le maximum est 300.
J'ai donc décider de supprimer la dernière phrase car je pense que, comparé aux autres, ce n'est pas un vrai argument et que c'est à contester (il y a sans doute des problèmes et des contestations contre le Spanglish et le Murri )

Voilà ce que ça fait :

My name is XXX, I am seventeen years old, and I’m a student of “Terminale ES” in XXX High School in France.

I am writing to you because I disagree with your advertisement against Ebonics.
As I have studied it, I can say that it's a very important language and that it must not disappear.

I agree when you say that this language corrupts with corrupts the English language but it is a way to merge the English language with the Black community..

You are right to say that Ebonics encourages communautarism but it would become a recognized language if it's given the chance.

I'd also like to mention that a language is the only "voice" a group or entity may have to communicate but since you're in the US, it is very important to allow all the languages among the immigrants, denoting consequently freedom of speech. The US is the country of liberty, so I cannot understand why you would be against one of the most widely spoken languages in it but you are in the United States, the country of liberty, your population is made of immigrants, all of you are immigrants, so it would denote freedom of speech.

Then you might say that it reinforces segregation and differences, well not necessarily , at least the African-American people could share their culture: languages are very important to earn other people's respect.

In countries where there are immigrants, people tend to combine several cultures in their lifestyle. If we take for instance, in French suburbs... France, in french suburbs where arabic citizens are gathered, they often use french and arabic words within the same sentence
Of course there are lots of arguments against Ebonics, but there are as many that support it.



Merci d'avance :)

[Lostounet]

Merci beaucoup.

Après avoir corriger, ça fait environ 316 mots alors que le maximum est 300.
J'ai donc décider de supprimer la dernière phrase car je pense que, comparé aux autres, ce n'est pas un vrai argument et que c'est à contester (il y a sans doute des problèmes et des contestations contre le Spanglish et le Murri )

Voilà ce que ça fait :

My name is XXX, I am seventeen years old, and I’m a student of “Terminale ES” (Terminale ES student)in XXX High School in France.

I am writing to you because I disagree with your advertisement against Ebonics.
As I have studied it, I can say that it's a very important language and that it must not disappear.

I agree when you say that this language corrupts with corrupts the English language but it is a way to merge the English language with the Black community..

You are right to say that Ebonics encourages communautarism but it would become a recognized language if it's given the chance.

I'd also like to mention that a language is the only "voice" a group or entity may have to communicate but since you're in the US, it is very important to allow all the languages among the immigrants, denoting consequently freedom of speech. The US is the country of liberty, so I cannot understand why you would be against one of the most widely spoken languages in it but you are in the United States, the country of liberty, your population is made of immigrants, all of you are immigrants, so it would denote freedom of speech. (inutile, vu la phrase qu'on a rajouté)

Then you might say that it reinforces segregation and differences, well not necessarily , at least the African-American people could share their culture: languages are very important to earn other people's respect.

In countries where there are immigrants, people tend to combine several cultures in their lifestyle. If we take for instance, in French suburbs... France, in french suburbs where arabic citizens are gathered, they often use french and arabic words within the same sentence
Of course there are lots of arguments against Ebonics, but there are as many that support it.



Merci d'avance

Après, j'aurais personnellement changé quelques petits passages mais dans l'ensemble c'est déjà pas mal
Je te conseille de remettre la fin vu qu'on a supprimé une phrase inutile.

[Styme]

Merci

J'espere que vous êtes là, c'est le moment final.

Je n'ai pas compris ce qu'il y a a supprimé, cela fera un vide et la phrase ne sera pas finie ?

Merci d'avance.

[Lostounet]

Merci

J'espere que vous êtes là, c'est le moment final.

Je n'ai pas compris ce qu'il y a a supprimé, cela fera un vide et la phrase ne sera pas finie ?

Merci d'avance.

Non, pas de vide, t'as un point après "in it". Supprime ensuite le reste de la phrase.

[Styme]

Merci.

Comment je finis ma lettre, moi j'ai dit :
I would appreciate your immediate attention to this matter

Mais je trouve ça direct, non ?

Merci d'avance.

[Lostounet]

C'est un peu direct, oui.

Essaye un truc plus atténué, surtout que tu fais qu'exprimer ton avis et donc la réponse n'a pas à être "immediate".
Un "Please reconsider the content of your ad..Thanks .." ou un truc du genre devrait faire l'affaire.

[Styme]

Bonsoir.

Merci pour votre aide.
Cependant, en relisant la lettre, je l'ai trouvé compliqué (les mots utilisés..) et je l'ai donc modifié.
Pouvez-vous me dire ce que vous en pensez maintenant :

Dear Mr.

My name is XXX, I am seventeen years old, and I am a 12th Grade Student in XXX High School in France.

I am writing to you because I disagree with your advertisement against Ebonics. As I have studied it, I can say that Ebonics is a very important language and this language must not disappear.

I agree when you say that this language creates confusion with English but you are wrong when you say that Ebonics is bad English, indeed, it is a way to adopt English for the black community. ,

You are right to say that Ebonics encourages communautarism but it will become a recognized language if it is given the chance.
You can say that each will want his tongue but you are in the United States, the country of liberty, your population is made of immigrants, all of you are immigrants, so it will become a tool to get the freedom of speech: one language is one voice!
Then you might say that it reinforces segregation and differences, not necessary, at least, African-American people could express their culture and languages are very important to earn other people’s respect.
In countries where there are immigrants, people tend to combine several cultures in their lifestyle. If we take for instance, French suburbs where arabic citizens are gathered, they often use French and Arabic words within the same sentence

Of course there are lots of arguments against Ebonics, but there are many people that support it.
The diversity is the most beautiful of the terms for a country, Ebonics is very important, think about it.

I would appreciate your immediate attention to this matter. [Pas compris pour ça]

Merci d'avance.