Correction d'un texte en anglais

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Nitwoo
Messages: 2
Enregistré le: 03 Mai 2012, 18:35

Correction d'un texte en anglais

par Nitwoo » 03 Mai 2012, 18:42

Bonjour, j'aimerais savoir quelles sont mes erreurs dans ce texte. Le but de cet exercice est de débattre sur la problématique suivante: "Est-ce que la technologie est une bonne chose ou une mauvaise chose?" avec le point de vue d'un parent. Merci d'avance. :we:

Social life / friends:
Technology can be harmful for children in their social life. Indeed, they prefer sometimes spend their time playing video games instead of going out for some fresh air and playing together. They could meet new people and make friends but no....they stay in front of their technology devices for hours. ( technology = bad thing)
To my mind, technology damages family life. Actually, my child spends sometimes more time on the internet than with us. Moreover, when we need him to help, sometimes he doesn’t come, sometimes he comes ... but with ten minutes late. It’s very irritating. (technology = bad thing)

School / education:
To my mind, technology can sometimes be a good help for students to do their homeworks.
For example, yesterday, my child, who is in 4ème, had to do a biographie of Jules Cesar. Without the internet, he couldn’t give back his homework. (technology = good thing)
As a parent, I don’t think technology is a good means to educate children. Indeed, on the internet, we can find everything and anything. The other day, I surfed on it : I found so many bad surprises.
In conclusion, nothing beats a good book. (technology = bad thing)

Leisure / Entertainment:
In my opinion, technology can be consider as a secondary leisure. Certainly, my child enjoys playing video games during his freetime.....but on no account it replaces a good game of soccer with friends. In this case, I would say that technology is neither a good thing nor a bad thing. Moreover, I see no harm in listening to music during his freetime. (technology = bad-good thing)
Playing video games with friends together can cause the entertainment. Indeed, when my son invites his mates at home, they seem to have fun in front of their computer or the TV. Thus, technology can be a good way to amuse. (technology = good thing)

Health / Mental Health:
Technology can harm to health of young people, if they use it too often. I remember, once, my child had played for hours on the computer and the following day, he complained to be very tired and he couldn’t almost open his eyes. (technology = bad thing)
In certain cases, technology can cause a great addiction with harmful consequences. Indeed, if a child stays for days in front of his video games, it could be dangerous for his mental health. Furthermore, he risks to be disturbed all his life and to not reach to cope in his addiction. (technology = bad thing)

Safety:
The internet is dangerous for very young people. They may come across sites shocking, disturbing. Fortunately, means exist to avoid that for parents, like passwords. (technology = bad thing)
The internet can be home to many swindles. Children, who haven’t an adult’s conscience, can find themselves trapped in tricky situations, even in illegal cases. (technology = bad thing)


Independence / freedom:
Technology can be a good way to escape away from daily troubles. Indeed, when I want to forget my worries, job stress, I listen to music with my MP3. I have the impression of enjoying a freedom feeling, that nothing can happen to me. (technology = good thing)
The internet is a good means to manage in autonomy everyday. Indeed, We can find easily and quickly informations while staying at home. It's very tremendous! (technology = good thing)



Illona
Membre Relatif
Messages: 124
Enregistré le: 18 Jan 2012, 16:44

par Illona » 03 Mai 2012, 20:58

Nitwoo a écrit:Bonjour, j'aimerais savoir quelles sont mes erreurs dans ce texte. Le but de cet exercice est de débattre sur la problématique suivante: "Est-ce que la technologie est une bonne chose ou une mauvaise chose?" avec le point de vue d'un parent. Merci d'avance. :we:

Social life / friends:
Technology can be harmful for children in their social life. Indeed, they prefer sometimes spend their time playing video games instead of going out for some fresh air and playing together. They could meet new people and make friends but no....they stay in front of their technology devices for hours. ( technology = bad thing)
To my mind, technology damages family life. Actually, my child spends sometimes more time on the internet than with us. Moreover, when we need him to help, sometimes he doesn’t come, sometimes he comes ... but with ten minutes late. It’s very irritating. (technology = bad thing)

School / education:
To my mind, technology can sometimes be a good help for students to do their homeworks.
For example, yesterday, my child, who is in 4ème, had to do a biographie of Jules Cesar. Without the internet, he couldn’t give back his homework. (technology = good thing)
As a parent, I don’t think technology is a good means to educate children. Indeed, on the internet, we can find everything and anything. The other day, I surfed on it : I found so many bad surprises.
In conclusion, nothing beats a good book. (technology = bad thing)

Leisure / Entertainment:
In my opinion, technology can be consider as a secondary leisure. Certainly, my child enjoys playing video games during his freetime.....but on no account it replaces a good game of soccer with friends. In this case, I would say that technology is neither a good thing nor a bad thing. Moreover, I see no harm in listening to music during his freetime. (technology = bad-good thing)
Playing video games with friends together can cause the entertainment. Indeed, when my son invites his mates at home, they seem to have fun in front of their computer or the TV. Thus, technology can be a good way to amuse. (technology = good thing)

Health / Mental Health:
Technology can harm to health of young people, if they use it too often. I remember, once, my child had played for hours on the computer and the following day, he complained to be very tired and he couldn’t almost open his eyes. (technology = bad thing)
In certain cases, technology can cause a great addiction with harmful consequences. Indeed, if a child stays for days in front of his video games, it could be dangerous for his mental health. Furthermore, he risks to be disturbed all his life and to not reach to cope in his addiction. (technology = bad thing)

Safety:
The internet is dangerous for very young people. They may come across sites shocking, disturbing. Fortunately, means exist to avoid that for parents, like passwords. (technology = bad thing)
The internet can be home to many swindles. Children, who haven’t an adult’s conscience, can find themselves trapped in tricky situations, even in illegal cases. (technology = bad thing)


Independence / freedom:
Technology can be a good way to escape away from daily troubles. Indeed, when I want to forget my worries, job stress, I listen to music with my MP3. I have the impression of enjoying a freedom feeling, that nothing can happen to me. (technology = good thing)
The internet is a good means to manage in autonomy everyday. Indeed, We can find easily and quickly informations while staying at home. It's very tremendous! (technology = good thing)


Voilà j'ai corriger les erreux que j'ai trouvé :


Social life / friends:
Technology can be harmful for children in their social life. Indeed, they prefer sometimes spend their time playing video games instead of going out for some fresh air and playing together. They could meet new people and make friends but no....they stay in front of their technology devices for hours. (Technology = bad thing)
To my mind, technology damages family life. Actually, my child spends sometimes more time on the internet than with us. Moreover, when we need him to help, sometimes he doesn’t come, sometimes he comes ... but with ten minutes late. It’s very irritating. (Technology = bad thing)

School / education:
To my mind, technology can sometimes be a good help for students to do their homework’s.
For example, yesterday, my child, who is in 4ème, had to do a biography of Jules Cesar. Without the internet, he couldn’t give back his homework. (Technology = good thing)
As a parent, I don’t think technology is a good means to educate children. Indeed, on the internet, we can find everything and anything. The other day, I surfed on it: I found so many bad surprises.
In conclusion, nothing beats a good book. (Technology = bad thing)

Leisure / Entertainment:
In my opinion, technology can be considered as a secondary leisure. Certainly, my child enjoys playing video games during his free time.....but on no account it replaces a good game of soccer with friends. In this case, I would say that technology is neither a good thing nor a bad thing. Moreover, I see no harm in listening to music during his free time. (Technology = bad-good thing)
Playing video games with friends together can cause the entertainment. Indeed, when my son invites his mates at home, they seem to have fun in front of their computer or the TV. Thus, technology can be a good way to amuse. (Technology = good thing)

Health / Mental Health:
Technology can harm to health of young people, if they use it too often. I remember, once, my child had played for hours on the computer and the following day, he complained to be very tired and he couldn’t almost open his eyes. (Technology = bad thing)
In certain cases, technology can cause a great addiction with harmful consequences. Indeed, if a child stays for days in front of his video games, it could be dangerous for his mental health. Furthermore, he risks to be disturbed all his life and to not reach to cope in his addiction. (Technology = bad thing)

Safety:
The internet is dangerous for very young people. They may come across sites shocking, disturbing. Fortunately, means exist to avoid that for parents, like passwords. (Technology = bad thing)
The internet can be home to many swindles. Children, who haven’t an adult’s conscience, can find themselves trapped in tricky situations, even in illegal cases. (Technology = bad thing)


Independence / freedom:
Technology can be a good way to escape away from daily troubles. Indeed, when I want to forget my worries, job stress, I listen to music with my MP3. I have the impression of enjoying a freedom feeling that nothing can happen to me. (Technology = good thing)
The internet is a good means to manage in autonomy every day. Indeed, we can find easily and quickly information’s while staying at home. It's very tremendous! (technologie = good thing)

Kikoo <3 Bieber
Membre Transcendant
Messages: 3814
Enregistré le: 28 Avr 2012, 11:29

par Kikoo <3 Bieber » 03 Mai 2012, 21:10

J'espère pour toi que quand tu rédigeras au propre, tu n'écriras pas "(technology=bad thing)".
C'est mauvais pour plusieurs raisons :

-entre parenthèses, donc inintéressant
-quand on rédige des phrases, il faut de la cohérence et une construction correcte, et non pas des "=" qui ponctuent et relient les mots entre eux. Même en maths on n'inclut pas des notations de ce genre dans les explications. Si on écrit dans une langue particulière, on écrit correctement. Quand on écrit des maths, on fait des maths de manière correcte.
-quand on veut résumer une idée, on le fait de manière claire dans une ligne en fin de paragraphe.

Je n'ai pas regardé le reste. Je commente seulement ce qui m'a sauté aux yeux

Nitwoo
Messages: 2
Enregistré le: 03 Mai 2012, 18:35

par Nitwoo » 03 Mai 2012, 21:54

Le débat sera à l'oral....c'est juste pour que je me rappelle de l'idée essentielle :lol3:
Merci pour la correction

Kikoo <3 Bieber
Membre Transcendant
Messages: 3814
Enregistré le: 28 Avr 2012, 11:29

par Kikoo <3 Bieber » 03 Mai 2012, 22:02

Bonne chance pour ton oral ;)

 

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