Correction d'une rédaction.

[cedricc]

Bonjour Bonjour,

Voila, demain je dois rendre une rédaction sur les choses positives et négatives du monde d'aujourd'hui (pour faire simple). Et comme mon anglais n'est pas très avancé, j'aurais aimé que quelqu'un m'aide à corriger les fautes ;)
Voici mon texte :

Nowadays, with globalization, the world knows much change.
So, we can ask us if our life is better than that of our grandparents or great-grandparents?
To answer this question, we will divide our analysis into two parts: First, we will see how the world changed positively and after how it changed negatively.

We are going to see the positive changes on the world of today.
In the first place, we notice that the living conditions are better than in the past. Indeed, more and more people access to the care and education. Moreover, today, we have tap cater and electricity (for the television or the shower for example).
In the second place, we note that the means of communication are very diversified. We can take the example of Internet. It is a real revolution because it permitted to communicate with people of end of the world. Besides, Internet contains many information, we inform ourselves and the pupils can have helps for the school. Then, employees can relax themselves after a long day's work.
In the last place, we see that the globalization supported tourism and the exchanges because the borders opened. So, more and more people can travel and the consumers have more choice in the stores.

Now, we are going to study the negatives changes on the world.
Firstly, we realize that the medical progress can be frightening. To illustrate my point, we can speak about the cloning which is very dangerous for the humanity.
Secondly, we can also speak about scientific progress. Indeed, even if it helps us to have better living conditions, it makes pollution and greenhouse effect. It remind me of the black sea in Gulf of Mexico for example.
Finally, we can notice the economic crisis’ effect which is present all over the world. In rich countries, there are many dismissals and in the poor countries the living conditions are very weak in comparison.

As a conclusion, We can say that the world’s changes aren’t always positives. So, it’s necessary to act.


Merci d'avance :)
Cedric.

[Capucinae]

Bonjour !

Qu'as tu voulu dire par "tap cater" ? Si tu veux dire "eau courante", c'est "running water", tout bêtement :lol3:

Ton niveau d'anglais n'est pas mauvais du tout ! Par contre, fais attention à la concordance des temps : tu as tendance à commencer une phrase au présent, et à la finir au passé. De plus, ta conclusion est très intéressante, et l'on comprend très bien ce que tu veux dire. Dans la mesure où elle est très intéressante et bien réflféchie, tu devrais la détailler un peu plus : par exemple, tu peux dire que, même si les éléments positifs sont supérieurs aux éléments négatifs, les éléments négatifs restent bel et bien présents, ce qui est un problème d'avenir, et une question de responsabilité.

Voici ma correction (les éléments corrigés sont en gras) :

Nowadays, with globalization, the world knows much changes. Is our life better than the one of our grandparents or great-grandparents?
My answer will fall into two parts : first, I will see how the world changed positively and after how it changed negatively.

From now, we are going to see the positive changes on the world of today.
In the first place, we notice that the life conditions are better than in the past. Indeed, more and more people access to the care and education. Moreover, today, we have tap cater and electricity (for television or the shower for example).
In a second place, we note that the ways of communication are very diversified. We can take the example of Internet. It is a real revolution because it premises to communicate with people from all the world . Besides, Internet contains much information : we inform ourselves and the pupils can have helps for the school. Then, employees can relax themselves after a long day's work.
In a last place, we see that the globalization supported tourism and the exchanges because the borders opened. So, more and more people can travel and consumers have more choice into stores.

Now, we are going to study the negatives changes on the world.
Firstly, we realize that the medical progress can be frightening. To illustrate this point, we can speak about the cloning which can be very dangerous for the humanity.
Secondly, we can also speak about scientific progress. Indeed, even if it helps us to have better living conditions, it makes pollution and greenhouse effect. It reminds me of the black sea in Gulf of Mexico for example.
Finally, we can notice the economic crisis’ effect which is present all over the world. In rich countries, there are many dismissals and in the poor countries the living conditions are very weak in comparison.

As a conclusion, we can say that the world’s changes aren’t always positives. So, it’s necessary to act.

Si tu as un problème, une modification que tu ne comprends pas ou quoi que ce soit, n'hésite pas à me le demander !

NB : Tout ce que j'ai corrigé ne sont pas des fautes. Assez souvent, je me suis permise de corriger juste parce que les expressions étaient un peu maladroites, sans être incorrectes.

Bonne journée =D

[cedricc]

Merci pour ton aide :)
J'ai déjà rendu mon devoir, mais je te remercie d'avoir pris ton temps pour m'expliquer mes erreurs et pour corriger mon texte :).
Je prends note de tous cela pour m'améliorer la prochaine fois.

Encore merci, bonne soirée.