Correction d'anglais SVP ?

[fanny-69]

Bonjour à tous,
la prof' nous a donné à faire le sujet d'anglais du BAC 2009, est-ce que quelqu'un peut corriger mon travail ?

Subject 1 (a+b):
a) ll. 4-6 'Connor was becoming popular with his classmates on account of the hundreds of
electronic toys and state-of-the-art computer games that filled his enormous bedroom.'
Does popularity depend on what you have? (150 words)
b) l. 16 'Algy had a prestigious job valuing paintings for London's smartest auctioneers.'
What is your idea of a prestigious job? (150 words)


a/ With this text, we can think that popularity depends on what we have because Connor is new at the school but he already became popular because he has a lot of electronic toys and computer games. Moreover, in his house there is a home cinema and he has got an enormous bedroom. So, when people comes at his home they see that they have a high standard of living and it makes a reputation of rich. It gives envy to be friendly with the person because thanks to its materials possessions, we understand that it mades a succes it life. However I think that the money shouldn’t bring to the popularity, it’s better to like somebody who has a human, intelectual and cultural wealth that a person who has simply valuables.
Moreover, I find unhealthy to expose its just wealth to be liked. It’s better that a person who has a talent deserves to be popular. So I think that the popularity shouldn’t depend on what we possess but on what we are and what we make.

b/First, for me, a prestigious work corresponds to a work which is respected, which asks to make some things of importance. Then it’s a job which asks for big responsibilities and that everybody couldn’t practice because often, they are professions where are needed many studies. For example, I think that to be doctor or fire brigades are prestigious professions because they can save lives and help people, there is an heroic part who arouses the admiration. Furthermore, I also considere that to be business manager is a prestigious job because it asks to know how to manage a team and to take charge of big projects. Finally, for many people, the idea of a prestigious job is based on the fact that there is a good salary.

Merci

[uztop]

Salut,

dans le a. tu utilises des expressions traduites mot à mot du français, par exemple

It gives envy to be friendly with the person because thanks to its materials possessions, we understand that it mades a succes it life.

envy signifie envie dans le sens de jalousie (je t'envie), je ne pense pas que c'est ce que tu voulais dire
firendly = amical, pas ami
pour la deuxième partie, "we understand that he has a successful live" sonne mieux à mon avis
De la même façon, "unhealthy " que tu utilises un peu plus loin signifie malsain, mais pas comme on l'utilise en français. "Unhealthy food", c'est de la nourriture pas équilibrée par exemple.

Dans la deuxième partie, il y a quelques maladresses dans les formules que tu utilises:
pratice = s'entraîner, pas pratiquer
where are needed many studies -> where long/difficult studies are needed
there is an heroic part who ... -> there is an heroic part which ...
Sinon, ta conclusion est un peu bizarre, en disant "for many people", tu sembles dire que tu ne partages pas cette opinion; dans ce cas tu devrais expliquer pourquoi. Et je ne pense pas que conclure avec une opinion que tu ne partages soit une très bonne idée.